he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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