I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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