I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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