So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
