the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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