we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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