and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just threw up on my dentist
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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