i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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