so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
