12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Slut skills are useful in every country.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
