Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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