Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
