pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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