The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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