and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize