...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i came on her dog
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
