Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
cat food counts as protein by the way
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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