Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
