I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Too much gin, very little bucket
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
