i just had sex bonerless
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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