what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
