I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
