woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
