Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
what day is it and did you see me today?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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