he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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