She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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