She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
