Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
