There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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