Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
