Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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