i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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