Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
