I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I need to stop coming to work sober
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
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