dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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