My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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