My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
So much Jack, so little girl.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
