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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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