I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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