it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
