I haven't been this sober since birth.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
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