mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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