I like to think it a success when the cops are called
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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