apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
worst night to have a conscience
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize