I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
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