Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
