Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize