Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
