so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Another day, another engagement, another cat
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
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