U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
