So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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