there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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