6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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