I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
