I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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