I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
