I wish I could punch you in the face.
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
