I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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