Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
