He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
