his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
