Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
