foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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